I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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