I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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