my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
