yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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