Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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