you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize