Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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