Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
