why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
