You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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