My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize