I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
