someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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