The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
a search helicopter?!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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