like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
