He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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