I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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