remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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