she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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