im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
