I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
