You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
