oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
They have beer where we have blood.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
