I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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