i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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