So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
