she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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