My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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