Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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