Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
