Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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