Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
