i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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