Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
