And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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