the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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