I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
