i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize