If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
