broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
