you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize