i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
