he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
