She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
