Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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