i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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