you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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