I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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