Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
