It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
