just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
