Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
