she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
where are you?
Hypothermia
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
last night I used snow as a chaser
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
