I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
