I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
