I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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