Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
