The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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