community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
